remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
You Might Also Like
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds