When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Good news
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.