Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
You Might Also Like
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
so weird how every mom was born today
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
This is always good for a laugh.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
When they try to steal your moment.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.