Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
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[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming