Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
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Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that