Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time