Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.