Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
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In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
this has done me in for some reason
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My teenage children choosing violence
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?