I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
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No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.