Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
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[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.