Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
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When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.