*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex