Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…