@Breadery: Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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@goldengateblond: Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I'm hiring her as my personal trainer.
@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink