Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Room with a view.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”