Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
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What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic