Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…