[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey