@dance_blessed: Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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@ch000ch: it's always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
@GashleyMadison: [at restaurant] -sees baby screaming in high chair -walks over & picks baby up -walks outside & puts baby down "You're free," I whisper.
@matt___nelson: I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we're all gonna die in 2012
@_Ms_Moneypenny_: I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat.