@dance_blessed: Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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@Sarcasticsapien: Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
@mcclure111: Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
@Smooheed: According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him
@sofarrsogud: Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like 'ambition' and 'productivity'.