Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person