remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.