Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?