Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
These are my roll models.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.