Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
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Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…