Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”