Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster