@DothTheDoth: Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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@eedrk: alien: take me to your leader me: uh i'm the leader alien: oh, chill. anyway, me: why didnt you think i was the leader alien: no no, me: why
@InternetHippo: “When someone is mad at you, that’s THEIR problem” and other advice from my upcoming book, ‘Where Did All My Friends Go’
@lilgapeach30: I dance in my car, unashamed, in hopes of one day driving beside somebody as fun as me and sparking a dance off.
@robwhisman: reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback