Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Your honor these allegations are
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators