Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
They’re the worst 😩
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.