[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
“A little help here, Danny?”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
they split up moments later
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”