*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
SF is the wild wild west man
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!