@_davidsc: Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him
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@truegritrumble: COP: Know why I pulled you over? ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back? COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
@ComedicBust: When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn't know it'd mean she'd quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box* Husband: What the fu- Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
@WilliamAder: Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.