3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit