@robdelaney: Reminder: Please just hit the "RT" button on my tweets if you're ugly. Don't want people associating your busted face with my art.
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@Mr_Kapowski: If I was a villain, my weapon would be a fan and a bag of eyelashes for blinding superheroes I'm a villain, don't ask how I get my weapons
@PajamaStew: Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
@pleatedjeans: [spiders pour into room] THEYRE EVERYWHERE [group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
@anylaurie16: Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts.