Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas