reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN