reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.