Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.