Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“Great, now I have to pee.”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.