@RealSamHarwood: Reminding Dad I'm too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
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@jenniferfralic: Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
@JasonIsbell: If y'all are gonna insist on calling those things "hoverboards," I'll be over here flying around with my "jetpack."
@Swishergirl24: Police officer: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I'm just as confused as you are.
@capnmcfword: If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I'm inviting you to race shopping carts, you're my kinda people.