Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
More like Kate Missington.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*