Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
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Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.