Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
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I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
honestly, i need both:
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.