Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
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walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.