Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
reminder