@sunexplode: Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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@Alex_LaVallee: Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
@audipenny: *carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
@eyepluckeramit: Next time you're in the changing room and sales person asks if you need anything, just say "Yes, can I get some toilet paper?"