Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.