My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back