Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004