Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
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Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.