Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds