Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Camping tip: No.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.