Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
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When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.