*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
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You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before