LOL
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On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
It鈥檚 okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you鈥檝e had for the past four years
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
me: you鈥檙e brothers?
mario: that鈥檚-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that鈥檚-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 馃檨
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.