@thentherewasmo: Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it's going to be stuck that way forever
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@pleatedjeans: "Ostriches can't fly" said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
@LukeMones: Just saw an old lady give up her seat to another old lady on the subway...polite or the ultimate shade?
@UncleDuke1969: Me: WOW. Look at those legs! Her: Thank you. M: They'd look great around my neck! H: Hey! M: Wish I'd brought my saw. H: WHAT?!? M: Nothing.
@Ms612: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?