[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?